Happy birthday dad!

This may not be the best quality photo that I have but the memory behind this photo is one that is going to last forever.

I will not sugar coat it, I have been dreading this day far more than I would like. It’s a day that now holds so many more feeling than it did before and the one I want to celebrate can’t be reached.

If you have watched Gilmore Girls you know that Luke has a dark day, where he goes out fishing to get a handle on his father’s death. Minded his dark day is on the anniversary of the passing of his father, which I have not had to face yet. But that is what I thought would happen to me when I got to these big days, and yeah I would say that is right. Currently there feels like a massive brick in my head that is just putting a damper on the world. But I am trying to not let my loss completely ruin my day, and I want to live in honor of the guy.

I talked to my mother this morning and she even said something similar. “Try not to be too down today, you know your dad wouldn’t want you to be miserable because of him”. Now to an outsider, I can see that what my mom said could be diminishing of my feeling, but if you knew my dad, what she said was so true. I mean years ago my dad told me he wanted a Celebration of Life, a big party with his friends so that no one got too sad. Which was crazy because everyone misses him and was hurt by his departure. So it is safe to say my dad would not want his passing to completely ruin my days and happiness. (Well tough luck dad…don’t be such a great guy next time)

Below this I had included a Classical Rock playlist from Spotify because growing up we always had 96.5 WCMF Rochester Classic Rock station on whenever we went on a drive. When we drove around the valley my dad would turn the music up and quiz me on who was singing and the title of the song. Most of the songs came out before I was even born so my only way of knowing the answer was by listening to him (Which now I think was a test to see if I really listened to him when he spoke). I just remember driving in the summer with my dad, the windows were rolled down, sunglasses on, and the music was blaring the voice of Freddie Mercury and the two of us just singing along. Another time we were driving in the fall coming back from somewhere in the dreary grey that took over that year, and Hell’s Bells came on. Though I had already heard the story, I loved listening to my dad talk for he wasn’t the biggest sharer, he told me how when he was younger he went to AC/DC’s Back in Black tour and the concert started with the lead vocalist coming down from the ceiling of the stage striking a massive bell. I would always just picture my dad surrounded by his friends, a beer in his hand, having a good time and really living in the moment.

(okay this is a side note thought section) I did a little research on the Back in Black tour and unless my dad traveled for this concert it is most likely went to the tour stop in Rochester, NY. So October 3rd, 1980 my dad was probably at the War Memorial and banging his head to the hits. I found a setlist of what I hoping is an accurate account of the night. My dad would have been 18 years old, just on the cusp 19 and he was probably a mess but had such a good time to remember it 30 years later.

AC/DC Setlist from Rochester Oct 3rd 1980

Okay Creep by Radiohead is on this playlist and I do not think I ever heard that on the radio with him, so…. take this playlist as a guideline. But it does have Sweet Child O’ Mine which was one of his favorites because of the guitar.

So today I am going to listen to some Classic Rock and spend the day telling my fiance stories of my simple but amazing dad. I’ll be living in the memories of listening to music with him, and being thankful that we were able to bond over this music and know I can keep that connection going without him here.

Oh right… you might be asking why that photo at the top holds such a memory for me. Well that was taken right after one of my performances of Anthony Hope in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. This was the last show my dad had seen but I am so thankful that he got to see it. The show was my breaking of my 5 year hiatus from acting and it felt so good to be back on the stage, singing my heart out to the audience. My dad had seen probably almost every single show I had been in at this point. Which is saying a lot because it was probably 30 shows, each with a varying degree of talent and sense in the plot. But after this show when my dad and I were hugging he told me was proud of me. In the moment it was a sweet thing to hear but there was so much said in those few words. It was the acceptance of who I was, the non-sport dramatic son who far from the “standard”, and acknowledgement of this hobby. What really got me was after the show my dad looked to me and said “Damn kid, you really do have a set of pipes” which made me blush in the moment. My dad was not the most likely to give out a completement, probably to pass some lesson of not seeking external approval for my worth , so it was a little weird getting that from him. But hearing him saying that has resounded in me and changed my relationship with acting and singing.

My dad could tell how much I loved theater. He saw how happy the process made me, especially in such a tough time (I was laid off from my job a month prior) and it makes acting that more special now.

So all in all I have mixed feelings today, which if we use my Web of Grief theory from yesterday that makes sense. But where I started my morning with clouds in my head, writing this and listening to that playlist above has clear a bit of those clouds and is letting the sun come in. (There is no sun today in Buffalo… it’s grey and dull).

But its time to go and make a pot of coffee and either read (see The Library for my current reads) or play some video games (Currently seeing if Forspoken is worth the time investment).

Until we see each other again!

Be gentle with me by the way. I am trying to get the hang of this.