I have thought of how I wanted to start this particular post and it there are a dozen ways I could have written this. But what is the most authentic to me is calling myself out for being awkward and just diving into the process of writing.

Let me begin with saying I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO MAKE A BLOG. But here I am attempting to try this out, awkwardly. ONe of my attempts to start this post was going to be wild but I still want to mention the statistic that I found. 2.33 Million blog post are made everyday here on WordPress (oh yeah welcome to wordpress. I spent real money to have this website.) and this is one of them. With seeing that number I know the chances of my post blowing up is low, but my goal is to just be myself and if something I write connects with someone so be it, that’s the goal and hope.

I just want to say thank you. Just by simply being here you have made my heart sing. If you know me, and lets face it… you probably are a friend of mine, know that I am not the best with taking space and telling people how I really feel or what is going on in my head at any given moment. So here we are.

Something that I want to talk about in these post is the stages of grief one goes through because I was not ready for them when my father first passed. When I hear stages I think of steps in a process Stage 1, Stage 2, and so on, so when I heard about the stages of grief I thought there was an order that you follow. So from what I thought you would be mad for awhile, then you would go into sad, and then find some other stage. Well let me freaking tell you, that is not how it goes at all, or at least with me. Let me explain, today is the day before my fathers 63rd birthday and I have felt so many emotions and feel like I am back at the part of grief where I am mad at the world again, and the stage where my mind keeps remembering that I can’t just call him up to chat about my day. I feel both right as I did a few weeks after he died and also like its been 10 months and that just confuses me. So it’s not really stages but almost like a Web of Grief.

Which in my current state (halfway through a “special” seltzer) I find that the Web of Grief is a great way of looking at it. For the first way of looking at it as the picture of a grief, how a point is connected by many strands to different points, making multiple paths to the same point. Or when you are asked to write a rough draft web where you write different ideas and connect them together. Thats how I feel grief, instead of a circle or particular sequence I feel like its a web, no direct connection but various way. My example in my head I am seeing is crying-laughing-mad-sad could be order but mad-sad-crying-sad-mad-laughing could be a different order my emotions and feelings can go.

The second way of looking at The Web of Grief is how a web will get stuck all over you when you walk through them, or how a spider will wrap their prey up into web, constricting their movement. Because that is also how this feels, like no matter what I am just tied up with a mess of different thing.

I think this is something that I want to think about for a little bit, and it could even be a process I can tell future clients.